你是

我的火光.

Hey everyone! Today's blog isn't much of an update, it's more based on some thoughts that I've been having recently because some things have happened that made me think about it...a lot.

So, as you can tell from the title, it's about deserving what you get.


is the old saying that everyone says, right? What if you really don't deserve it? In my case, what I got that I "deserved", are my friends. I'm sure everyone is aware that I almost always mention how thankful I am to my friends because they're always there supporting me and that they've allowed me to change into someone that is able to like herself a little more compared to how much she liked herself in high school. But, do I really deserve my friends that I have?

The reason why I ask this is because of what's happened recently, it was because of my carelessness that hurt my friends that I truly love and care about. My friends are everything to me, yet I still hurt them. Now, I believe that they've completely lost their trust in me that I am now convinced, I don't even deserve at all. I've been questioning myself, why did I do that? Am I a freaking moron? I clearly don't deserve to have such amazing friends because well I hurt them. I hurt their trust as well.

So what are you gonna do? you ask.

I think, I might just distance myself away from my friends for the next while. I really am afraid that I'll hurt them again. And I'm pretty sure they're all pretty upset at me too so I think it would be better if I just stay away from them for a while. I really am a bad person :( I know they say it's okay but really I can tell they're not okay with it. "Don't worry, it's not your fault", I didn't even ask if it was my fault but they said it. I know I'm a fool, but not so much that I can't tell what my friends are thinking of when they talk to me.

So how exactly am I gonna distance myself? I'll probably just not hang out with my friends for a while. So that means skipping badminton, not staying after school to study with my friends, and just go home early after class or study on my own at school. I know it's not a nice thing to do, but again, I really don't want to hurt my friends...it's kind of my own self punishment in a ways...I guess. I dunno. I know it seems like I'm taking this too seriously, but like I said before, my friends are my world to me and I kind of ruined it basically. I don't even think I deserve to get support from my friends for the Karaoke Finals that I'm in this Saturday.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night thinking about what I'm going to do because what's happened, it's impossible for me to fix, even if I apologize, it'll mean nothing to my friends because I've done the damage. It's impossible to go back as much as I really want to go back and fix it all.